30 January 2007

Honestly

I don't know about you, but I find that one of the most difficult people to be honest with is myself. Somehow, I can be even more intent on deluding myself about things than I am about deluding others. My true self, what I REALLY feel and REALLY want ... can sometimes alarm me, depress me, confuse me. There is a person I wish I were, and then there is the person I actually am. And when truth contradicts the imaginary self, I begin to fib ... most often to myself. I find it harder to fool others (oddly enough).

Take, for instance, American Idol. I find it such a fascinating cultural phenomenon of mass delusion. We are entertained weekly by the American Deluded ... people who have truly convinced themselves that they can sing, and sometimes dance. I've never seen so many good liars ... er, people afraid to admit to themselves that maybe the person they wish they were is not the person they are. They've deluded themselves to the point of national humiliation. How does it go that far? And more importantly, why are we so afraid to be who we are? What is wrong with the very person God created us to be? Whether or not we can sing?

I've often found great irony in a society that longs for individuality, and yet scoffs at the person who doesn't buy into the current trends, wear the latest clothes, have the most current hairstyle, listen to the right music, have the right friends (who have all the right aforementioned qualities). How hypocritical are we? We value individuality and yet find fault with the person who is truly unique.

But have you ever finally let go and admitted to yourself the truth? Have you ever finally opened the windows and turned up the radio to sing, with all your heart, to Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On"? Have you ever just worn your hot pink converse high tops, no matter what anyone says or does? Have you ever decided to just go ahead and let the inner self out, admit the truth to the world? "I LOVE BOWLER HATS!" Admitting some of our deepest secrets, first and foremost to ourselves, and letting it be OK, can be one of the most freeing feelings in the world. Its where the end to pretending must begin.

Sometimes the truth is hard because its contrary to what we think OTHER people want us to be, or even believe us to be. For me, I had to admit to the missionary world that it didn't fit me, I wanted something else, a more difficult thing than you might imagine. In high school I had to let it be OK that I was in to country music. And I am currently working at helping friends and family understand that I just might be an introvert. I guess in my journey of self-discovery I've had to drown out the noises of perceived expectations from my friends and family, even myself, and listen to that voice deep within myself telling me what I REALLY want, and who I really might be. And when we listen, and let that voice come to the surface ... we suddenly find ourselves free. Truly free to be who we truly are.

This also leads to understanding to just exactly who God created me to be. If I don't ever understand that, how can I truly serve him best? If I want so much to be a preacher, but deep down am truly an administrator, I will spend a lifetime struggling in my weakness instead of thriving in my strength.

These are just a few thoughts I've been having today. I encourage you to search the depths of yourself as well. Though you might not be thrilled about what you find, I guarantee you will find relief and freedom.

Sidenote:

I found a website today that truly intrigued me. It was started as a school project and has turned into a celebrated blog. The author invites people to send him their secrets, anonymously, on a postcard. They are supposed to be things they've never told anyone else. He posts them on his website. The truths revealed there are alarming, funny, sad ... and all of them, in some way, shape or form, echo the cries within ourselves to be truly honest, to finally say what we've been wishing we could. I encourage you to take a look, and share your thoughts with me. Its a fascinating foray into the American psyche.

Here's the web address: PostSecret.com (Warning: the first picture on the blog the week of Jan.21-27 is not for the weak-hearted. The author changes the posts every Sunday.)

Please, tell me what you think.

Posted by hjw at 12:01 PM | | Comments

23 January 2007

Quote of the day

I know its been a long time since I've written. Life has been full! And then Explorer has been freaking out and not letting into my blog accounts ... so I've finally found a way in (use a different browser!), and I'm back. Though even now, I don't have much time.

So, for today, I will share with you a wonderful quote my sister recently shared with me:

"What you eat standing up doesn't count."
- Beth Barnes.

I find especial humor in this only because I am STILL working toward my weight-loss goals. I had to catch up a bit after the holidays. Man, all those desserts and fancy dinners out can really do a diet in! But, I've caught back up, am back to my pre-holiday weight, and am now moving forward again. And how I wish what I ate standing up didn't count!

Here's to all of us still trying to recoup from the holiday feeding frenzy!

I'll be back soon ....

Posted by hjw at 9:57 AM | | Comments

12 January 2007

a good hair day

I am having a spectacularly good hair day. I mean, I should be in a hair photo shoot today, or at a fancy event where famous come up to me and say, "Who does your hair?!" And I simply respond, "Why, I do. Don't you do your own? Its so easy." Well, we can dream. Today I've found myself wondering, why can't my hair look like this every day? What exactly causes a good hair day ... or more importantly, a bad hair day? I have the same hair every day. I use the same shampoo, in the same shower with the same water. I use the same mousse and the same hair dryer, the same brush, and the same hair drying techniques. So why does my hair look fabulous today ... for the first time this week!?!? Shouldn't the same formula produce the same results? Somewhere out there is an answer, there has to be. Today I commit my life to solving this puzzle. Any clues you might have will be welcome.

Who's with me?! (That's a battle cry, by the way).

Posted by hjw at 12:05 PM | | Comments

05 January 2007

the haves, the needs, and the wants

Over Christmas I had the pleasure of taking a full week off work. It actually turned out to be 10 straight days work-free. On the days not filled with holiday or birthday activities, we didn't go anywhere or do anything out of the ordinary. My goal was to be free to get other things done, free to stay up late and sleep in, free to watch movies at noon and go shopping for longer than my lunch break allows. I had big plans for my vacation. Plans to rest, and yet be productive.

But I'm afraid I discovered some alarming things about myself. I like to think of myself as one of those people who knows myself well, and one who actually knows how to say no to activities, and balance my life between rest and productivity. But, as it turns out, I'm wondering if either of these things are true (to a certain extent anyway).

I got to the end of my 10-day break and found that I was tired, not quite ready to go back to work, and though I'd gotten a lot done, I'd discovered twice as much yet to do! How can one rest when there is so much to do!? If I rest, then the dishes might not get done, the afghan might not get finished ... and heaven forbid, the laundry might sit dirty on the floor for another day. NOOOO!

In ruminating on these alarming revelations, I decided that life can be divided up into three main categories: the haves, the needs, and the wants. Let me explain. The "haves" are the things we HAVE to do. I have to go to work, I have to make and eat meals, I have to sleep. The "needs" are the things I NEED to do. I need to do the dishes, I need to do grocery shopping, I need to exercise and eat right, I need to do laundry, I need to finish the afghan, I need to pick up the dry cleaning and buy that thing for our friend. The "wants" are the things I WANT to do (my favorite category). I want to go shopping for as long as I want, I want to sleep in, I want to watch a movie, I want to go out to eat, I want to eat a chocolate brownie with eggnog and NOT gain 16 pounds, I want to paint the walls, I want 5:45 a.m. to feel like 10.

Life is spent juggling these three: the haves, needs and wants. And what I've discovered I let happen is that I let the haves and the needs push the "wants" right into 2013. Unfortunately, I'm sure when 2013 is finally here, more haves and needs will have filled it up too. But for now, I'm optimistic.

However, when we completely disregard the wants in our lives, our lives become burdensome, quarrelsome, haggard, sapped, stressed. The wants are the things that fight stress with relaxation, quarrels with conversation, and burdens with freedom. When I'm doing something I want and enjoy, my whole body relaxes, and my attitude becomes sunny. I usually hear birds singing. The wants too easily get rescheduled, endlessly, because they do not have the priority of haves or needs. And yet, my hypothesis today is that our wants are actually needs ... and at some points in our lives, to save our sanity and our relationships, they are haves.

(One other thing I've discovered, though I hate to admit it, I think my Aunt Jean might be more and more right [something I'm sure she never doubted.] Its quite possible I might be an introvert. For me, my needs need to include not just down time, but alone time. I need time that is just mine, to do whatever I please, by myself. I am re-energized, replenished, refreshed when I get "me time." But, having thought for years [apparently erroneously] that I am an extrovert, I've never made "me time" a priority. It was a want at best. But I am beginning to truly believe that for me, its actually a need.)

So let me conclude by admonishing you, dear Reader, along with me, to seek balance between the haves, needs and wants in our lives. First we must make sure that we've identified what those things are (do you NEED or do you WANT a pedicure ... do you NEED or do you WANT to do the dishes ... do you NEED or do you HAVE to eat a brownie???). Second, we must figure out a way to let all three make their ways into our daily lives. Do not abandon the wants!

Not long ago I read an article on happiness that I ended up saving. It still sits in a Word document on my computer desktop. I found it fascinating because the author proposed that many people aren't happy because they don't really know what makes them happy. We're encouraged to seek money, beauty, fame, status, fancy cars and expensive clothes. And though these things bring an element of happiness (I'd certainly be willing to test the theory), the things that often bring the most happiness tend to be things like a walk in the sand, a hot bath, a chocolate brownie (yes, I see the theme), sitting on the couch for hours reading a book, a nap, time with your spouse or a best friend spent doing "nothing." Harvard psychologist Daniel Gilbert suggests fitting some of these things into our daily lives if we're seeking contenment with day-to-day life.

*caviat*
Someone once told me that if we could attain balance in our lives we wouldn't need God. Though a somewhat simple observation about faith, I find it to be true. It is my inability to find balance on my own that leaves me stressed out at times, tired at times, unhappy and lacking joy ... and the only way to truly counteract that is to seek God. Because I will ALWAYS be incapable of achieving it on my own. We ARE imperfect, and balance never really will be found (though I don't think that is an excuse to stop pursuing it). It is our imperfect nature that leaves us in such need of a God who is loving and merciful, in spite of our imbalance. And truly, it is in HIM true happiness and contentment can be found. And in Him alone.

Posted by hjw at 3:57 PM | | Comments

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