how i got caught up in weight-loss mania
I have begun a journey that, wise or not, I've decided to share with the world. One, I figure the more people who know about it, the more I'll be held accountable to accomplishing my goals. Two, I struggle with something most of America is struggling with these days, and I guess I hope that chronicling my journey might be of some insight, and encouragement. And three, it actually makes me angry that I struggle with something I really believe I shouldn't worry so much about. And so I'm hoping that as I write, perhaps I'll find a little more of myself.
What is this monumental struggle so common to Americans today? It is the weight battle. Now, let me take a moment to clarify that I am a firm believer in being happy with exactly who you are. I am exactly who God made me to be: brown-eyed, brunette, somewhat shorter than average, a lousy singer but a gifted crocheter, a night person struggling to live in a morning-person's world, a talker, a reader, an oldest child, a late marryer (is that a word?) ... and so on. I am unique, and that is to be celebrated and appreciated. I appreciate God's other creatures and creation, and so it follows that I should appreciate most the ones he made in the image of himself. From this understanding, I have fought long and hard for my strong sense of self, of self-esteem and self-confidence. I believe I am exactly who he wants me to be, and because of that, I believe its not only OK, but paramount to a healthy relationship with God, to be completely happy with myself.
And yet, even as I tout the virtue of a healthy self-image no matter what, I find myself fighting a daily battle with my weight. Which, on some levels, is silly. In other parts of the world, or even in a not-so-long-ago age, I would be considered the ideal. In China my fair, completely untannable skin was admired and desired by my Chinese friends. In Southern California ... well, its different. From these fairly simple observations I conclude that ideal beauty truly IS in the eye of the beholder, in our case the "beholder" being society. And I HATE to bend my own values to society's norms. And yet I am ... I do. And if we're all honest, its really inescapable. And therein lies my anger at myself for falling into a fairly obvious trap. And yet fallen I have. I just hope my motives, my reasons, are not purely superficial. I think there are aspects to the trap that result in serious, and dangerous, conditions. The pressure to look a certain way is causing eating disorders and plastic surgery frenzies the nation over (i.e. Michael Jackson, Ashlee Simpson). And yet, perhaps the trap doesn't always have to result in something so ... extreme.
There IS a side to the weight debate that is about health. With much of America struggling with obesity, often leading to early death by various weight-related diseases, it IS something we need to deal with. Weight isn't always just an image problem, it is also be a health problem. I'd like to say my battle with image and my battle with health were equally yoked in my struggle to move forward, but it would probably be a lie. Image plays a really big role in this, even for this self-professed self-confident girl.
The weight battle is a battle I have fought for years. All my life really. I have never been skinny, never been described as a rail, or told to eat more 'cause I could be "snapped like a chicken." And then heavy stress during my years in China, the stress caused by re-entry when I came home from China, and various stressful events in the past couple years have caused some weight gain that previously wasn't a problem. (When I'm stressed, I eat. And when I'm stressed for six straight years, all that eating is bound to have consquences.) I denied it for a long time, but recently started to realize that although I might be OK with me, I wasn't ecstatic, and I was starting to lose the real me. I was becoming something other than who I really am. And I just couldn't let that continue to happen. So I made a decision, finally. It was time to DO something about it, or I would spend my life griping and fundamentally unhappy, even as I professed total self-confidence.
I've always been a somewhat healthy eater, and I do like to exercise, but obviously what I had been doing wasn't affecting any change. And so, four weeks ago I began a regimen of exercise and healthier eating previously unpracticed, and undesired, I might add. I've been getting up at 5:45 every morning to go to the gym. Its INSANE! And if it weren't for the fact that my fabulous husband were also getting up with me, and working out with me, this would not be happening. So most of the applause belongs to him for helping me stick to this crazy schedule. I have also been skipping desserts, including chocolate. And I LOVE chocolate. It is painful to skip dessert. Painful, I tell you! I have been choosing pita bread over regular bread, protein over carbs, and trying to follow some semblance of a healthier diet. I've switched to decaf coffee. DECAF! I'm trying lowfat versions of my favorite foods (a practice I was previously diabolically opposed to). And I hate it. I do it because I know I need to, but I hate it. I really just want to eat what I want to eat. There are people who can eat whatever they want and not gain a pound. Why can't I be one of them? If I even LOOK at something bad for me, I gain two pounds. It seems so unfair, but so it goes. I have to move past my anger and deal with the hand I was dealt. Besides eating and exercise, I've bought a scale, which I also hate. Before this scale, I don't think I'd actually weighed myself in 15 years. But I find it helpful, encouraging, to really know the results for all my hard work. I pulled out a pair of too-small pants that used to be my FAVORITE and put them in my closet, not for torture, but for motivation, because I want to wear them by Christmas. And I have enlisted the help of two people, my husband and my very good friend Melanie, to help me through this process, especially on days I am weak. They are my certified accountability partners, with permission to to ask and say the hard things, to help me stay on track. Sometimes, saying no to chocolate cake for dessert is simply impossible by yourself.
I've written more than I meant to in this first installment of my weight-loss journey, but its good processing for me. My goal is to write regularly, documenting the daily battle for self-image, self-restraint, and a healthy balance between the two. Its helpful for me, and hopefully, at the very least, entertaining for you.
What is this monumental struggle so common to Americans today? It is the weight battle. Now, let me take a moment to clarify that I am a firm believer in being happy with exactly who you are. I am exactly who God made me to be: brown-eyed, brunette, somewhat shorter than average, a lousy singer but a gifted crocheter, a night person struggling to live in a morning-person's world, a talker, a reader, an oldest child, a late marryer (is that a word?) ... and so on. I am unique, and that is to be celebrated and appreciated. I appreciate God's other creatures and creation, and so it follows that I should appreciate most the ones he made in the image of himself. From this understanding, I have fought long and hard for my strong sense of self, of self-esteem and self-confidence. I believe I am exactly who he wants me to be, and because of that, I believe its not only OK, but paramount to a healthy relationship with God, to be completely happy with myself.
And yet, even as I tout the virtue of a healthy self-image no matter what, I find myself fighting a daily battle with my weight. Which, on some levels, is silly. In other parts of the world, or even in a not-so-long-ago age, I would be considered the ideal. In China my fair, completely untannable skin was admired and desired by my Chinese friends. In Southern California ... well, its different. From these fairly simple observations I conclude that ideal beauty truly IS in the eye of the beholder, in our case the "beholder" being society. And I HATE to bend my own values to society's norms. And yet I am ... I do. And if we're all honest, its really inescapable. And therein lies my anger at myself for falling into a fairly obvious trap. And yet fallen I have. I just hope my motives, my reasons, are not purely superficial. I think there are aspects to the trap that result in serious, and dangerous, conditions. The pressure to look a certain way is causing eating disorders and plastic surgery frenzies the nation over (i.e. Michael Jackson, Ashlee Simpson). And yet, perhaps the trap doesn't always have to result in something so ... extreme.
There IS a side to the weight debate that is about health. With much of America struggling with obesity, often leading to early death by various weight-related diseases, it IS something we need to deal with. Weight isn't always just an image problem, it is also be a health problem. I'd like to say my battle with image and my battle with health were equally yoked in my struggle to move forward, but it would probably be a lie. Image plays a really big role in this, even for this self-professed self-confident girl.
The weight battle is a battle I have fought for years. All my life really. I have never been skinny, never been described as a rail, or told to eat more 'cause I could be "snapped like a chicken." And then heavy stress during my years in China, the stress caused by re-entry when I came home from China, and various stressful events in the past couple years have caused some weight gain that previously wasn't a problem. (When I'm stressed, I eat. And when I'm stressed for six straight years, all that eating is bound to have consquences.) I denied it for a long time, but recently started to realize that although I might be OK with me, I wasn't ecstatic, and I was starting to lose the real me. I was becoming something other than who I really am. And I just couldn't let that continue to happen. So I made a decision, finally. It was time to DO something about it, or I would spend my life griping and fundamentally unhappy, even as I professed total self-confidence.
I've always been a somewhat healthy eater, and I do like to exercise, but obviously what I had been doing wasn't affecting any change. And so, four weeks ago I began a regimen of exercise and healthier eating previously unpracticed, and undesired, I might add. I've been getting up at 5:45 every morning to go to the gym. Its INSANE! And if it weren't for the fact that my fabulous husband were also getting up with me, and working out with me, this would not be happening. So most of the applause belongs to him for helping me stick to this crazy schedule. I have also been skipping desserts, including chocolate. And I LOVE chocolate. It is painful to skip dessert. Painful, I tell you! I have been choosing pita bread over regular bread, protein over carbs, and trying to follow some semblance of a healthier diet. I've switched to decaf coffee. DECAF! I'm trying lowfat versions of my favorite foods (a practice I was previously diabolically opposed to). And I hate it. I do it because I know I need to, but I hate it. I really just want to eat what I want to eat. There are people who can eat whatever they want and not gain a pound. Why can't I be one of them? If I even LOOK at something bad for me, I gain two pounds. It seems so unfair, but so it goes. I have to move past my anger and deal with the hand I was dealt. Besides eating and exercise, I've bought a scale, which I also hate. Before this scale, I don't think I'd actually weighed myself in 15 years. But I find it helpful, encouraging, to really know the results for all my hard work. I pulled out a pair of too-small pants that used to be my FAVORITE and put them in my closet, not for torture, but for motivation, because I want to wear them by Christmas. And I have enlisted the help of two people, my husband and my very good friend Melanie, to help me through this process, especially on days I am weak. They are my certified accountability partners, with permission to to ask and say the hard things, to help me stay on track. Sometimes, saying no to chocolate cake for dessert is simply impossible by yourself.
I've written more than I meant to in this first installment of my weight-loss journey, but its good processing for me. My goal is to write regularly, documenting the daily battle for self-image, self-restraint, and a healthy balance between the two. Its helpful for me, and hopefully, at the very least, entertaining for you.
Hi, Heidi,
For further inspiration and help in this area check out firstplace.org I also have some First Place materials. If you are interested, you can look through my stash of materials next time you are up here. Frankly, you are perfect just as you are, but eating healthier is an even better goal than merely wanting to lose weight. Something that I wish I had learned earlier in life. My prayers and support are with you!
Love,
Mom Dub
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